


If You Only Knew

by Moxley_Mox018



Category: WWE
Genre: Alcohol, Flashback, Heart Break, Loneliness, M/M, Moving On, Seth gets crushed, Suicide Attempt, a little fluff, dean misses seth, past ambrollins, past relationship, roman tries to help, this is just sad, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-05 09:11:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11010384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moxley_Mox018/pseuds/Moxley_Mox018
Summary: Dean and Seth split after Seth chose work over Dean. How does Dean take this? Not too well actually. He feels like he's falling, and falling fast. Without Seth, he didn't feel like anything anymore...**TRIGGER WARNING: there is a suicide attempt. Please do not read if that kind of thing is triggering to you**





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I got this idea randomly one day. I had at first meant it to be just a single chapter but I got some more ideas, so I'm spanning it out over a couple chapters. Let me know how you guys like it. Enjoy :P

Him. 

It was always him. Dean couldn't get him out of his head. No matter what he did. No matter how many bottles of jack he drank, he woke up with the same person in mind. It was as if he had been tattooed into Dean's mind. 

He was there every time he shut his eyes at night. He lived on in his dreams. They lived on in his dreams. Dean would've done anything to get him back.. except for that it was too late. 

Dean sighed softly, thinking back to the night that they had first met.

*flashback*

He sat quietly backstage, bumping a water bottle back and forth between his hands when he showed up. "Hey", a soft voice said, causing Dean to glance up into the most beautiful brown eyes he had ever seen. His face was almost as beautiful as his eyes, possibly even prettier. "H-hi", Dean stuttered. 

*end of flashback*

If Dean would've known all the heart ache he felt now came with that first hello, he probably wouldn't have gotten so attached. 

He grumbled a little as he dragged himself out of bed. He truly didn't want to go to work today, or any day for that matter. He didn't want to see those chocolate brown eyes, colder than they ever were, stare into him when he walked by. It made his heart break a little more each and every time.

Dean gathered up his belongings, shoving them into his suitcase before he cleaned up his mess of beer cans and cigarette butts. He had quit smoking before, but after he left, he fell back into it worse than before. He did it when he was a teenager because they helped him keep calm, but now he was having a harder time keeping his calm. How was he supposed to be calm when he hurt this bad?

He fought tears back as he changed into a clean outfit and brushed the taste of stale alcohol from his teeth. When was it gonna get better? 

He gathered the rest of his things before he made his way out of the room, accidentally bumping into someone.

"Watch where you're- oh. Hi dean," Seth said, no emotion in his voice. It took all he had to break the eye contact and keep walking. He couldn't handle this right now.

 

********

Blood, sweat, and tears. He lost them all in the last couple matches he's had. It's not like he minds though. The pain that wrestling brings almost takes his mind off the pain that radiates from within.

Dean splashed water on his face, letting out a soft sigh. He felt exhausted. All he wanted was to grab a bottle or two and drink until he couldn't feel anything. Until he couldn't see him in his mind.

A quick knock on the door made Dean jump a little. "W-who is it?," he stammers, pulling his sweatshirt over his head.

"It's Roman.. can we talk Dean?" Dean shuddered a little, opening the door. He glanced up at his friend who had looked like he came straight from a match. He carefully pushed by him and took a seat on the bench.

"What's bothering you Dean? You haven't been yourself lately and I'm starting to worry," Roman said, a light frown on his lips.

"What do you mean? I'm perfectly fine." What a lie. He was nowhere near fine.

"Are you thinking about Seth again?" The single question had tears dripping down Dean's cheeks as he slowly nodded. "Oh Dean.." Roman frowned even more and pulled Dean into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry."

" I miss him," Dean managed to choke out between sobs. "I miss him so much Rome."

Roman tried his best to comfort Dean, rubbing his back gently. Even the little gesture brought back memories to Dean's head.

*flashback*

Dean was easily upset. He had the perfect opportunity to get his hands on the title he's worked so hard for. Worked his whole life for. But just like that, it was pulled out from under his fingers. He had stormed back to his shared locker room with his boyfriend of a few months now. As soon as Seth caught the look in Dean's eye, his arms were around him. "I'm so sorry baby, you'll get it eventually. I know you will," Seth said as he rubbed Dean's back gently. "Know how I know that?"

Dean sniffled a little and looked into Seth's beautiful brown eyes. "H-how?"

Seth smiled softly and ran his hands though Dean's hair, not caring that he was soaked with sweat. "Because you're one of the strongest men I know. You try your best until you get what you want. You never give up. It's one of the many things I love about you Dean." Dean smiled a little at that, slowly starting to calm in Seth's arms. "But most importantly, I love you," Seth whispered in his ear.

*end of flashback*

Dean sobbed harder at the memory. Seth didn't love him. He left him. He left him broken and battered. Dean had never felt this low in years.

"cmon, let's get you back to the hotel. We can order a pizza and watch a movie if you'd like? We can just relax," Roman tried persuading.

" No please.. I just want to be alone." Dean said as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

"I think you could use the distraction Dean. It would save you some money not having to buy Jack." Roman's gaze dug into Dean's. 

How did he know? Was it that obvious? Dean tried his best to clean up and get the smell off him. He wasn't exactly sure how Roman knew.

Dean slowly looked down at his shoes. "I guess it wouldn't hurt.."

*flashback*

Friday night. One of the best Friday nights he's had in a long time. He and Seth had gone sight seeing along the Vegas Strip. They easily had a blast. After that, Dean drove them back to his house on the outskirts of the city.

"I don't know how you do it Deano," Seth smiled, watching the lights fade.

"Don't know how I do what?"

"Live out here. It's so hot," Seth said, glancing over at his boyfriend.

Dean chuckles a little at that. "It's better than dealing with the snow and the cold. Besides, I'm barely home as it is anymore."

"I guess you're right," Seth said softly as they pulled into Dean's driveway. They had both gotten out and headed inside, welcoming the cold air that filled Dean's home. 

Dean poured them each a glass of jack, mixed with cherry Coke, and they drank, tangled up with each other on the couch. Dean's head resting against Seth's shoulder. It felt so perfect to him. He felt safe and loved. The most he's had in a long time.

*end of flashback*

Dean waited until Roman was asleep before slipping out of his bed. He couldn't take it anymore. He loved Roman like a brother, but that could never replace what he and Seth had. His heart ached as he grabbed his hidden bottle from his bag, along with his phone. He knew what he was about to do was stupid and selfish on so many levels and it hurt him to think that he'll be causing Roman and a ton of other people pain. But now that it was etched in his head, he felt he had no other choice.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean took a deep breath and gently kissed Roman's head. "I'm so sorry Rome," he muttered almost silently before stumbling out of the room.

His feet made a soft skidding noise as he made his way down the hall. If anyone seen him out here this late, they'd think he was on something. Maybe they'd just think he was crazy. He sure felt like it.

He managed to make it out of the hotel fairly easy. Nobody even turned their heads. Dean didn't care though. It made what he was about to do about ten times easier.

In a nearby alley, he sat down, popping his bottle open. He chugged it down, feeling it burn his throat a little. He let out a small sigh as he pulled his phone from his pocket. He went though his contacts, his eyes resting on one name in particular. His hands shook as he smashed the bottle on the ground beside him.

A small yelp left his lips as he felt the glass dig into his palm. His eyes darted back to his phone and before he knew what he was doing, he tapped his contact, holding the phone up to his ear.

It rang a few times and Dean really didn't expect him to pick up. He wouldn't pick it up either. But he does. A sleepy "dean?" being heard on the other line.

"Seth.." a small smile makes its way onto his lips.

"Dean, what the hell? It's almost 3:30 in the morning," Seth grumbled a little. "What do you need?"

"I just wanted to say goodbye Seth," dean rasped into the phone.

"Goodbye? What the hell are you talking about?" Seth asked as he sat up in bed.

"You won't have to worry about me anymore Seth. I'll be in a better place." he said as he started to cry. "Just please remember I love you. No matter what happened between us, I'll always love you." He hung up right after that, tossing his phone to the side. Tears stung his eyes as he picked up a shard of glass. He dug it into his left wrist, letting out a hoarse cry. The tears were flowing down his cheeks now. This was it. This was then end for him. Then came the right wrist. It wasn't dug in as far but it still earned a cry from him. He felt so weak in the moment. So alone.

****

That surprise call had Seth out of bed in half a second. What the hell was Dean talking about? Was he okay? Sure they'd broken up and all, but he still cared about Dean. He always would. He bolted out the door, not bothering with his shoes as he searched for his ex boyfriend. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he searched. "Cmon dean. Where the hell are you?" 

 

He headed outside and was searching the sidewalks when he heard the cry. Almost instantly, his heart sank. The cry had sounded hoarse and weak. It sounded like Dean. Seth bolted in the direction in which he heard the noise, following it into a dark alley. There, he found his answer. 

Seth wanted to cry at the sight in front of him. "Dean!" He knelt down next to him, pulling his shirt over his head and tying it around the man's wrists. "Dean what were you thinking?!" Seth shook with fear as he called 911. He had to do something. He had to save him. Dean sobbed softly as Seth pulled him into his strong arms. "I called for help Dean, just hold on please."

He looked down into Dean's baby blue eyes, seeing all the hurt in them. He felt a pang of guilt. "Just hang on. Please," Seth said as tears spilled down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry Dean. I had no clue.. I didn't know I hurt you that much. I never should've left you."

"You said you loved me..." Was the faint reply.

 

His heart hurt hearing this. "I did love you. I loved you so goddamn much. I was so selfish to throw you away for better things in my career. I love you so much Dean... but you have to stay strong. You have to get through this. You have to fight." Seth knew he was rambling, but with the way his mind was working, he wasn't sure whether he would've been able to even form sentences.

Dean had taken a turn for the worst and the worst part was that the ambulance wasn't here yet. What the hell was taking them so long?

Seth was a nervous wreck. He couldn't lose Dean. Not now. Not after finding out just how bad he had ruined this man that he promised he would love forever. The man who gave him everything he possibly could. The bond they had was incredible. Seth wasn't ready to let it go. Not by a long shot.

 

***** 

The ride to the hospital was hectic, but in that time he managed to call Roman and inform him on everything. The hurt in Roman's voice was very evident. 

Now the both of them were pacing the waiting room, hoping for some good news. Seth prayed he'd get good news.

"I should've kept an eye on him," Roman said as he ran his hands down his face.

Seth shook his head, fresh tears in his eyes. "I feel so shitty Roman. I fucked with his feelings. I loved him with everything I am but I was so goddamn selfish and I traded my happiness with him for more money, more fame, more everything. Nothing ever took his place though. The look on his face when I ended things still haunts me. I just.." he choked out between sobs. "I didn't know"

Roman sighed. "I didn't know either. He's been hiding it for awhile. But I noticed he smelled more and more like Jack and cigarettes. He had darker circles under his eyes than he ever did. And he never smiled. Not once in months. How the fuck did I not know? How did I not pick up on the fact that my best friend, my brother was hurting so badly to the point he wanted to end his life?" It was Roman's turn to get emotional. 

They both cried softly until they heard footsteps stopping in front of them. Seth looked up slowly, seeing the sad glint in the doctor's eye and he already knew.

Dean was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Feeling like the world was collapsing around him was an understatement. Seth easily felt one hundred times worse. 

"You can go say goodbye if you'd like," the doctor says softly and Seth nods hesitantly. He looked to Roman, hoping he wouldn't have to go in alone. He was granted with a small nod and together they followed the doctor to Dean's room.

The sight in front of him made Seth's heart shatter. There he was. The man he loved, laying in a hospital bed, pale and unmoving. Oh how Seth wished Dean would jump up and say it was all a joke. They could laugh it off. They could start again...

Roman nudged Seth's shoulder, wanting him to move forward. And he did. Seth slowly inched forward towards Dean. He slipped into the chair next to his bed and carefully took one of his hands. He laced their fingers together, feeling the cold of Dean's against his own warm one. Seth let out a soft cry, "I'm so sorry, Dean. I never wanted it to go this far. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. I swore I loved you and then I went and broke you. I broke you down until you thought this was your only way out. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for this." He sobbed against the bed sheets.

Roman stood quiet, listening to Seth's soft cries. He was still in shock, his eyes scanning over the pale body in the bed. The body that belonged to his best friend. The friend that never left his side when he was going through something bad. The friend he loved more than anything. Dean used to be so full of life, so full of fun and love and everything in between. But now? But now he was anything but. There he was in bed, gauze wrapped tightly around his wrists. Roman let out a soft cry of his own. Why didn't Dean tell him he hurt this bad?

Seth had a million things running through his head as he held on tight to Dean's hand. He stayed there for what felt like hours, helplessly clinging to the lifeless hand, thinking of better times.

 

*flashback*

 

Dean panted softly as Seth held him close to his chest. Their first time together was everything they thought it would be. Hell, he'd go as far as to say it was even better than he thought it would be. He and Dean had taken things slow, and it made it all the while more intimate.

He held Dean closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I love you so much, Dean Ambrose. I'm so glad I stumbled across you," Seth proclaimed, smiling fondly at the shaggy haired man in his arms.

"I love you too Seth. More than you'll ever know," Dean smiled up at him, his eyes watering a little. Seth frowned.

"are you alright?"

Dean nodded," I just feel so lucky. So lucky to be with you and to spend hopefully the rest of my life with you. You make me feel so safe and loved.. I haven't felt this way in a long time." A few tears spilled down his cheeks and Seth didn't hesitate to wipe them.

"I'm glad I have the opportunity to do that baby," he smiled softly and whispered.

*end of flashback*

He had the opportunity to make Dean feel safe and loved. And what did he do? He fucked it up. He fucked Dean up. Seth sighed and ran a hand through Dean's soft curls. It scared him to think of life without Dean..

********

After about a half hour of coaxing and persuading, Roman finally managed to get Seth out the door and back to the hotel. He had offered Seth something to eat, but Seth didn't feel up to it. He had cried the whole way back to the hotel.

Seth heard a small sigh after Roman parked the car. He wiped his eyes and slowly over at the Samoan.

"It sure is gonna be weird without him," Roman said, sadness in his voice. A soft cry left Seth's throat.

"I'm so sorry Roman. It's all my fault ," Seth sobbed into his hands.

Roman frowned and reached over to rub Seth's back "don't be man, it was his decision. He knew he could've came to me. Hell he could've even came to you, but he was probably just scared of what our reaction would be."

Seth shook his head "I told him I loved him Roman. I told him I wanted to marry him someday. Then I fucked up. I fucked up big time."

Roman let out another soft sigh. "I remember the day you guys split. He came to me crushed."

"w-were you mad?" Seth asked between sobs.

" I'll admit I was a little irritated but I wasn't entirely angry. If I was, we wouldn't be sitting here right now. But hey, I think it's best we both try and get some sleep. They already called his mom and I think they're gonna take him back to Cincy for his funeral."

"I'm paying for it," Seth spoke up "It's the least I could do."

"Seth.." Roman started but Seth shook his head

" It's the least I can do Roman. Itll give me a little peace at mind knowing I can help."

"If you say so Seth.."

"I do.. I'm calling Grace later today."

Roman nodded a little. "Alright, well I guess I'll see you later then?" Seth nodded back.

"I'll see you later."

 

******

Ever since his surprise call in the middle of the night, Seth hasn't slept. He had tried and tried but nothing worked. He couldn't get Dean out of his head. It's crazy to think about everything they've been through together. While they were together, they've had their ups and downs, but it was nothing like the last fight. The last fight that ended everything. The fight that shattered Dean. 

It hurt Seth to think back on it. To think back on everything he's done wrong to Dean. And to think, he'll never be able to apologize to the man who still claims his heart, even if he was deceased.

Seth let out a sigh as he climbed out of the hotel bed. He needed to blow off some steam. He quickly changed into a pair of shorts and a t shirt, grabbing his phone and earbuds before heading down to the gym.

He let out a breath as he upped the speed on the treadmill. He turned the music up louder on his phone to block out the sound of his panting. He ran until the song came on. He had almost fell off the treadmill from just hearing the first few notes of the familiar melody. He quickly hit the stop button, his mind bringing up a memory.

 

*flashback*

Seth sat with Dean on the couch of Dean's Las Vegas home. They had spent the day cuddling and just enjoying their time together before they got back on the road. 

Dean had watched as Seth scrolled through the music on his phone. Seth had been trying to get Dean to listen to some of his music, and with some coaxing, Dean finally agreed. 

"Why do all your songs have such strange names?" Dean asked as Seth chuckled.

"I'm not sure babe. I guess they just threw it together." He smiled down at Dean, his cheek resting against Seth's shoulder.

"This one has an interesting name," Dean said and tapped his finger on Seth's phone, choosing the song.

"Good choice babe, I love Mayday Parade." Seth smiled wide as the beginning notes to 'Without the Bitter, the Sweet isn't as Sweet' started to play.

Seth observed Dean's face as the song played. He seemed to be enjoying it as far as Seth knew. He smiled at the sight.

"Because you don't get lucky twice," Dean had spoke up once the song was over. "Ain't that the truth."

Seth chuckled. "I don't think I could've got much luckier than I did when I met you."

He watched the blush creep onto Dean's cheeks. "You made me blush, you asshole," dean chuckled and smacked Seth's chest playfully.

"Aw you know you love me," Seth smiled as he pecked Dean's lips.

"I do love you, you clown." Dean smiled wider. "I always will."

*end of flashback*

"He loved me," Seth mumbled to himself, shaking his head. "And I traded him in for a bigger paycheck."

For that, Seth felt terrible. He still doesn't know what possessed him to do that to Dean, but what he did know was that Dean was right. And so was the song. You don't get lucky twice, and that's the truth.


	4. Chapter 4

Today was the day Seth was dreading since that fateful night, two days ago. He took a breath as he stepped off the plane into the busy terminal. He wasn't ready to face Grace. Not yet.. Not when he still felt so guilty.

 

He sighed a little and put his headphones over his ears to block out all the commotion going on around him. He turned the volume up louder before grabbing his bags and heading out to the parking lot. He waved down a taxi and gave the driver the address as he got in. He chewed his nails anxiously the whole ride to Grace's house.

 

That taxi stopped in front of her house and Seth let out a deep breath. He slowly climbed out, grabbing his bags. He shut the door behind him before he walked up onto the porch.

 

He waited for a few seconds, recollecting his thoughts, before he finally left a few soft knocks on the door. A few moments later, a woman answered the door.

 

"Seth.." she said softly.

 

He could hardly look at her. The pain was obvious in her eyes. The same bright blue eyes that once matched her sons were now red and swollen from crying. It took all Seth had to not break down there on the porch.

 

"Grace.." he said back in barely a whisper.

 

Before he knew it, he dropped his bags onto the porch and was pulled into a warm hug. Seth always loved Grace's hugs. He loved coming over for holidays and seeing her bright shining face. She was always so happy to see Dean. She was always happy to see Seth too...

 

"I'm so sorry" he whispered into her ear.

 

She rubbed little circles on his shoulders. "I'm so glad you came Seth.. it means so much to me and it would've meant the world to him.." she said before letting out a soft sob. Seth felt like his heart was about to burst.

 

"He meant the world to me.." he whispered back as Grace finally pulled away from the embrace.

 

"I know he did sweetie.. and you meant everything to him.. there wasn't a moment that he didn't think about you while he was here. I could read him better than anyone else ever had" she wiped her eyes and stepped away from the door. "Come in.."

 

Seth nodded a little and brought himself and his bag inside the house. He could feel the sadness even in the house. 

 

His eyes scanned the wall, looking at all the pictures of Dean. He had seen them plenty of times before, but he loved looking at them. There were ones from when he was a baby, one from his first day of kindergarten, along with a slew of others. The most recent one though, and Seth's all time favorite, was a picture of the three of them; Dean, Grace, and Seth. He wondered why Grace still had it up even though him and Dean had been broken up for going on four months..

 

He looked down a little, feeling guilty. Grace had always treated him as another son. Another part of their family. And he took advantage of that. He took advantage of them both.

 

"Do you want anything to eat?" Grace asked, startling Seth out of his thoughts.

 

"Oh.. uh, no.. I'm good, but thank you," he said as he took a seat on the couch.. The couch that him and Dean had a few good times on. While they say there quietly for a few moments, Seth's mind started to wander..

 

*flashback*

 

"Dean, are you sure you want to do this," Seth asked in a whisper as him and his boyfriend sat shirtless on Dean's mother's couch. Dean nodded back almost instantly. 

 

"Please Seth.." Dean's gaze bore into Seth's "I need you."

 

Seth let out a soft moan at that. This man got him going like anyone else ever had.

 

"Promise me you'll be quiet? We don't need your mom coming down here.." Seth whispered. Dean nodded quickly in return.

 

Seth watched as Dean dug his hand into his bag and brought out the stuff they needed. Seth smiled a little as he watched Dean. He felt so lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend.

 

He kissed Dean's chest softly. "I love you so much Dean.." He whispered as they both laid down on the couch. He watched the blush spread across Dean's cheeks. After they laid down, Dean's lips were on Seth's and the rest was history...

 

*end of flashback*

 

"Seth, are you alright?" Grace asked, waving a hand in front of his face. 

 

"Y-yeah," he stuttered a little. "I think I'm okay." He lifted his gaze to see Grace's frowning face.

 

"I can tell something's wrong Seth..," she started. "Even though you and dean haven't been together for a few months, you know you can come to me for anything."

 

A few tears fell down Seth's cheeks. "I let you down.. and I let dean down. I screwed him over, fucked him up, and now look where's he's at." Seth started to cry harder. "I feel so guilty."

 

Grace moved over to sit beside him. She brushed his hair out of his eyes before he wiped them. "Seth, honey, you did what you thought was right.. Dean's reaction was all on himself. He's been through this kind of thing before."

 

Seth sniffled a little. "He has?" Grace nodded.

 

"He was always afraid of losing someone because of his father.. His dad walked out on the both of us after Dean had turned two. He cried and cried for days, but what was I supposed to do? John didn't want anything to do with us. He had left for a younger woman with no kids." She paused for a few moments, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. "He never came back. He never seen Dean after that, and it crushed him. I tried doing everything I could to keep Dean happy, but I guess I didn't try hard enough."

"Grace.." Seth let out after another soft sniffle.

"I don't know if I'm ready for this," she sobbed. "I don't want to bury my baby boy."

"I'm not ready for it either.. I'm not ready to let go," Seth sobbed. And that was the honest truth. He didn't want to ever let Dean go. Not then, not now, not ever...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the feedback! Feel free to comment what you'd like to see happen with this and I might just work it in ;)


	5. Chapter 5

Seth felt as if the afternoon had flown by. Now it was time to accompany Grace to the funeral home. He was so not ready for any of this..

 

He let out a deep sigh and fixed his all black tie before stepping out of Grace's car and into the rain. He shut the door gently and walked over to give Grace a tight hug, which she gratefully returned.

 

"I don't know if I can do this," she whispered, tears falling down her cheeks.

 

Seth fought back his own tears as he wiped hers with his jacket sleeve. "I don't know if I can either, but don't worry, I'll be right here with you.. I won't leave your side. We can get through this together."

 

A small, but sad, smile crept onto her face "you're such a sweet boy Seth.. You remind me so much of him.."

 

He felt his heart swell a little at that. He smiled softly before saying," let's get out of the rain.."

 

Grace nodded slowly and with that, they slowly walked into the funeral home. Seth took a deep breath as they neared the casket. He heard Grace let out a cry as he laid his eyes on Dean.

 

The pain he felt with that first look, hurt way worse than any bone he's ever broken. It hurt more than anything anyone could EVER imagine. It hurt him to see Dean like this..

 

He let his eyes wander over Dean's body. They had him dressed in a long sleeve navy blue shirt. Seth had seen the white of the bandages around the cuffs of the shirt. He frowned as his eyes skimmed over the plain blue jeans Dean always seemed to have on along with his black under armor shoes. He looked like he normally would, except for his hair being combed neatly. Seth wished he could just reach over and mess it up to make Dean look more like himself.. More like the man he fell in love with. Boy was this gonna be a long few hours...

 

***************************************

 

The service was painful. Seth was close to cracking so many times, his head hurt. But despite that, he kept his promise to Grace. He stayed by her side the entire time, hugging and kissing her head when she needed it. He watched as she thanked everyone for coming by the door. He felt like complete garbage as he slowly made his way back up to Dean.

 

He stared down at the pale, lifeless body, wishing it were him instead. He carefully took Dean's hand. It felt cold against Seth's. "Oh Dean.." he whispered, tears starting to fall as he gently kissed the pale skin. "If I could take it back, i would in a heartbeat.. there's no way I'm gonna be able to live with myself after this.. You mean so much to me baby boy. I should've never done any of this to you.. I should've never chose money over your love. You were the best thing to ever happen to me baby.. But I guess I'm gonna be paying for it big time now. God, I'm such a fuck up." The tears started falling faster as he felt Grace touch his arm, meaning it's time to go.

 

"Cmon Seth.. let's go" he heard her say sadly. He started to shake as he cried harder.

 

"N-no. I don't want to believe this. Dean, please wake up and say this is a joke. Oh please. I can't.. I can't.. I can't.." he said repeatedly between sobs. He felt as if he couldn't breathe. The last thing he heard was Grace's soft words trying to comfort him before he blacked out completely.

 

***************************************

 

He fluttered his eyes open to find Roman and Grace standing above him.

 

"Oh honey.. are you alright? How do you feel?" Grace said as he slowly sat up

 

"Tired," he mumbled a little as he looked around. He was surprised to find himself back at Grace's house. "How'd I get here?"

 

"I brought you.. Do you remember anything that happened?" Roman asked as he took a seat beside Seth's feet.

 

Unfortunately for Seth, he remembered it all. He nodded a little as both Roman and Grace frowned.

 

"I was so worried," Grace sniffles, making Seth frown. He hated hurting Grace in any way.

 

"She sure was.." Roman started. "One minute were standing there talking, the next minute, we seen you over there freaking out and next thing we know is you're on the ground and we couldn't wake you up.. we were so scared." Roman bit his lip.

Seth looked at his hands "I'm sorry guys.. I guess this is just taking a toll on me."

Grace rubbed his shoulder " Seth.. honey.. please don't be afraid to come to Roman or I if you're feeling low." She let out a sniffle "we don't want you to do what he did.. I know I couldn't go through that again."

"Yeah Seth.. please don't feel like you can't talk to me. After everything we've been through you're still my friend and I'm gonna be here for you. More now than ever" Roman said, putting an arm around his shoulder.

Seth let out a choked sob "it's so hard.. it's so hard to know I was part of his self destruction. There wasn't a day I didn't regret what I did to him. He was everything to me. It was so hard to watch him around the arena. He never showed how much he hurt but I always knew.. I just.." he said as he cried.

Grace wrapped him up in her arms as Roman rubbed his back. Here he felt safe and secure even through the shitty circumstances. He knew he'd feel ten times better if his boy were still here.


	6. Chapter 6

Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty six hours. Twenty thousand, one hundred and sixty minutes. One million, two hundred and nine thousand, six hundred seconds. That's how long it's been since that god awful night. Seth couldn't get it out of his head. He could stop thinking about the way Dean's skin got paler as he slowly died in his arms. In a sense he was happy because it was his arms Dean spent his last minutes in, but he also hated it. He hated the fact he couldn't see those bright blue eyes and that dimpled smile that he loved so dearly. 

He knew people were worried about him. He hasn't felt physically or mentally alright in these past two weeks. He's barely eaten, barely slept, barely anything. He hasn't even gone to the gym to keep up with his crossfit. He spent most of his time in his hotel room, crying whenever he didn't have to be on tv. Roman's been trying to help but Seth felt like nothing was helping. He felt so goddamn broken and he hated it.

He sighed as he curled up under the blankets in his hotel room. Roman had been staying with him, “keeping an eye on him”, as he had told Seth. But now when Roman was down at the gym, Seth was wasting away under the covers of the bed. To him, they provided a sense of comfort, but even then he wasn’t protected from his thoughts. Tears threatened to fall as he thought of Dean. Oh how he wished he were in his arms right now. Seth couldn't stand the feeling of being alone. 

He jumped a little when he heard a knock on the door. "Rollins, open up. We have to talk" he heard a deep voice say as he gulped. He slowly got up from the bed and went over to the door. He opened it, finding his bosses on the other side.

"Steph.. H.. I'm so -" he was cut off as Stephanie pulled him into a tight hug.

"We're so sorry Seth.. we had no clue any of this would happen," Stephanie sniffled as he reluctantly hugged back.

He couldn't help but feel a little confused "w-what do you mean?" He asked softly

"If we never would've begged you to take the job, none of this would've ever happened.. We'd still have one of our top guys, the world wouldn't be in such a state of shock and sadness, and then there's you.. You'd be happy Seth. You wouldn't have to be here, crying your eyes out because the man you love is gone. All we want for you is to be happy.. so that's why we're offering you some time off to get yourself together. We're not gonna let out why you're taking a leave of absence, figuring you want the privacy." 

Seth stood there speechless for a few moments. He couldn't believe his bosses felt this way. He knew taking some time off right now would ruin the story line he was in.. wait, what was he thinking? It was work that got him into this mess in the first place.

"I'll take it" he says softly "thank you so much.."

"You're welcome Seth.. if you ever need anything.. and we mean anything, please let us know. We'll be happy to help" Hunter said, offering a sympathetic smile. Seth smiled a little in return and hugged Stephanie again and shook hands with hunter before they left, leaving him with his thoughts.

*************  
“Dean, no!” Seth screamed as he ran down the alley to his lover, slicing his wrists with a shard of broken glass. He felt himself slowing down, cursing as his feet sunk into the pavement. 

“What the fuck?!” He yelled, starting to panic. He struggled and struggled to move, but it was as if his feet were cemented to the ground. His gaze fell back on Dean. 

“You did this to me Seth.. You did this to me,” Dean repeated, an evil smirk appearing on his pale face. “You killed me!” He yelled as Seth started to cry. A hoarse laugh escaped Dean’s throat as the blood dripped down his arms. Dean slowly got up and inched closer, while he repeated those god awful five words. Right before he went to take a swing at Seth, everything went black

************

Loud screams escaped Seth’s throat as his eyes flew open, finding Roman standing above him. He had his hands gripping each of Seth’s shoulders gently.

“Shh.. Seth, it’s okay.. It’s okay buddy,” Roman spoke calmly as he stared into Seth’s big brown eyes. Seth stared back into Roman’s eyes, his screams slowly turning into choked sobs.

Roman gently moved Seth over before sliding into bed beside him, wrapping his muscular arms around him. It hurt him to see Seth in so much pain. 

“Did you have a bad dream?” He whispered, earning a nod from Seth.

He continued to rub Seth’s back until he slowly calmed down. “I miss him Rome..”, seth whispered. Roman frowned and held him closer.

“I miss him too.. I miss D so much,” he whispered, starting to get emotional himself.

“I miss everything about him Rome.. I miss his smile, it lit up my whole world.. and god do I miss that goofy laugh of his,” Seth sniffled as Roman wipes his eyes. “I miss the way his face lit up when he watched wrestling, or when he went out to wrestle. I miss that sandy brown hair.. It’s always stuck up in different directions when he woke up in the mornings.. I miss feeling his stubble scratching at my face when we kissed.. god do I miss every single little thing about that man Roman.. I feel so fucking broken.. when he died, it was like he took a piece of me with him. I have not been the same since then obviously.. Sometimes I feel like I’m the one that should be six feet under, not him.. He was nothing but a sweet, thoughtful, adorable, goofy man who wanted nothing more than for someone to love him and I ruined that Rome, I ruined it, and I ruined him.. I ruined him so much that he took his life.”

Roman brushed Seth’s hair off of his face, taking in every word he was hearing.

“Now look at me, I can’t sleep without having that same nightmare,” Seth sobbed harder.

Roman kissed his head softly, rocking him back and forth. He really hated to see Seth like this. It hurt to see him like this.. He wanted nothing more than to help Seth ease his pain. He sat and thought about ways he could help Seth until he heard soft snores. He carefully laid Seth back down, laying right beside him. He stared blankly at the ceiling, until something in particular came into mind. He finally realized what Seth needed desperately. Therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, leave a comment, tell your friends bout this story, anything at all!! I love the feedback! And don’t forget to leave ideas! I’ll try my best to work them into the story! Enjoy :)


	7. Chapter 7

Have you ever felt so worthless? So worthless that you sit there everyday, knowing you were the root cause of an action that another has done. The cause for all their pain and their agony. The cause of their death. Have you ever felt like you could have stopped them? You could have done something, anything to help them, but you just didn’t? Even worse, you didn’t even pay enough attention to that one person to realize just how bad they’re hurting. 

Seth thought these things to himself all this time. All this god forsaken time he sits here, night after night, feeling the guilt eat him alive. Nothing had gotten better. Everyone kept telling him he’d feel better after a little time, but where was that time? It’s been five months. Five long months without the one he loves. Five months being forced to go to therapy, to do this, to do that. Forced to do things that he was told would help him get better, but they never really worked.

Seth stared blankly at the bottle of Captain Morgan in his fist. He was never one to drink, especially alone, but it’s all he’s been doing. He’s lost it all at this point, not even just Dean anymore. Due to him not being able to get himself together, Hunter and Stephanie made the decision to let him go. Roman was even distant at this point. All he wanted was to help Seth, but how could he help someone who didn’t want to be saved? He hated watching Seth dig a hole deeper and deeper for himself. But what could he do? What could anyone do?

Seth took a sip from the bottle, feeling the cool liquid burn his throat. He let out a throaty groan as he picked himself up off the floor of his bedroom. He limped his way to his bathroom, the bottle still clutched tightly in his fist. He stopped directly in front of his full length mirror, looking himself dead in the eyes.

“Look at you,” he growled lowly. “You turned into nothing but a disgrace. Without him, you’re nothing, you always will be nothing.” Tears started to run down his cheeks and he looked himself over. He looked nothing like he used to. His hair, how it once used to be so well taken care of, was all ratty and tangled. His beard, which was once neatly shaved, exactly the way Dean liked it, was grown in, making him resemble a caveman. His eyes, which used to be so full of life, were glazed over or glassy most of the time from crying along with the alcohol. Even his figure suffered. He used to be well built, every muscle of his body was toned to perfection, but now? Now he was sporting a beer belly, along with all the other weight he gained. If anyone were to see him out in public, they wouldn’t have known him to be Seth Rollins. Once the happiest guy in the world. The guy who used to be on the top was now at his very lowest and there was nothing no one could do.

He slowly felt himself start to slip back into a memory, a memory he wished he could forget.

*flashback*

“Dean, babe, you’re taking this the wrong way,” Seth tried to persuade his crying boyfriend. He gently put a hand on his shoulder, making Dean jerk away quickly.

“Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t fucking act like everything is peachy Seth because it isn’t. You hit me with a chair, in front of all those people.. you betrayed Roman and I.. how could you do that to us?” Dean sobbed as he held himself tightly

“Dean, I did this for us! I’ll be getting so much more money now,” Seth smiles happily “I could get you that bulldog puppy you always wanted.”

Dean stared at him for a few moments before speaking up “you did this for us.. you agreed to physically and mentally hurt me for a bigger fucking paycheck? Don’t you realize you’ll barely get to see me? They’ll want you with them at all times. They’ll want you to continue to beat the shit out of me Seth. All for more money? I must not mean a damn thing to you.” Dean sobbed harder into his hands as he shook like a leaf.

Seth rolled his eyes, feeling himself start to get annoyed “Quit being a baby Dean. I did it for you.”

“Just leave me alone Seth.” Dean whispered, the hurt in his voice.

“You want me to leave you alone Dean? Maybe I fucking will. Maybe I’ll go out and party with my new friends and find someone who wants to share all this money with me. I don’t need you. I never have and I never will.” Seth immediately regretted those last words as soon as they left his mouth.

He had watched as Dean’s body went rigid. When they had finally met eyes, Seth wished he would’ve kept his big mouth shut. It was if he could see Dean’s heart shatter right there in his baby blue eyes.

“Dean, baby, I..,” he started but was quickly cut off by Dean slapping him hard across his left cheek.

“Don’t ever fucking call me that again, and don’t ever talk to me again. You don’t need me. Remember?” Seth held his stinging cheek as he watched Dean take off his engagement ring and drop it at Seth’s feet before quickly leaving the room.

“What the fuck did I just do..” Seth mumbled to himself as he stared down at the silver ring laying at his feet.

*end of flashback*

Seth slowly felt himself come to, moments later. He laid on his bed, listening to the song playing on his stereo.

“If I could be with you tonight  
I would sing you to sleep  
Never let them take the light behind your eyes”

He felt the tears stream down his cheeks. He’d been listening to this song on replay for what felt like days. Every time he hears it, it makes him feel even worse.

He sighed and picked himself up off the bed. He was out of alcohol to drown himself in, and it’s not like it was going to magically appear in his hands, so he decided to go get some more.

He slipped on a shirt and a hoodie as well as his shoes before grabbing his keys and heading out the door. He was already buzzed from everything he had consumed earlier, but he didn’t feel like walking, so driving was his only option.

He walked outside, feeling the cool rain against his skin. He pulled his hood up over his head as he climbed in the car. He let out a sigh and laid his head against the wheel for a moment before starting it up. 

Slowly, he pulled out of his driveway and headed down the street. He squinted his eyes, trying to see in the dark. Of course he had to forget his glasses. He slammed his fist against the wheel, swerving a little.

“Shit..,” he mumbled, as he slid around on the wet road.

At first he didn’t notice the headlights coming towards him from the opposite direction. When he had finally looked up, the bright white light was the last thing he had seen before everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! I was having a bit of writers block. As always, feel free to leave me some feedback :) and I believe my next chapter will be my last for this story


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seth moves forward with his life after some encouraging words from a certain someone.

The light and free feeling that Seth had when he woke up, gave him a bit of a surprise. The lights and beeping from the machines around him had alerted him that he was in the hospital. He wasn’t afraid at first, that was, not until he had opened his eyes.

Seth was staring straight back at himself. 

He was staring right down at his motionless body. He had gauze wrapped around his head, and cuts and bruises littered his skin. What the hell happened?

He looked around, truly getting a look at himself. Was he dead? What was going on? Why is he out of his body? The thoughts kept swimming through his head.

“Seth..” 

He heard his name faintly, looking around for who said it. There was no one else in this room besides his physical body in the bed. He sat beside himself in a chair, looking around. 

“H-hello?” He said back, hoping for a response.

“Seth..” the voice said again.

“W-who’s there?” 

Seth’s eyes searched the room, landing on a form standing in the corner. He could swear that it wasn’t there the last time he looked. He felt himself start to shake as he slowly stood up. As he made his way closer, his breath caught on his throat as he realized who he was staring at. He knew those bright blue eyes and light brown curls anywhere.

“Dean..”, the name rolled off his tongue like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Hey Seth,” Dean replied, finally making eye contact. 

“Y-you’re here?” Seth was still in disbelief.

“I’ve always been here Seth.. you just couldn’t see me,” he said softly. 

Seth couldn’t help it as he started to cry. All these long months without seeing Dean, and now he was finally seeing him again. He was finally getting what he wanted.

“Shh.. it’s okay,” Dean reached out to wipe Seth’s eyes, slowly pulling him into his arms. He hated seeing Seth so broken.

“I m-miss you so much,” Seth cried into Dean’s shoulder. “I’m s-so sorry..”

“I miss you too..” Dean said as he rubbed Seth’s back soothingly. “You have no idea..”

“I’m so sorry for everything Dean.. I should’ve never did any of that stuff to you.. everyday hurts worse without you. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything. I want to be with you again, I want you to be in my arms. I want to wake up next you again in the mornings.. I want to kiss those lips, play with that hair, feel your bare body beneath mine, I want it all Dean. I want to be with you again,” Seth said between sobs.

“Seth I know.. and I’m so sorry for doing what I did.. I didn’t realize just how badly it would affect you. Then again, I thought you didn’t give two shits about me. I was so heartbroken, and so inconsolable, that I couldn’t see what I was doing was wrong. I should have grown a set and talked it trough with you, or at least moved on, but I wasn’t strong Seth. I really wasn’t. I never meant to hurt you or Roman. Seeing you so distraught and upset these past couple months has been driving me crazy. What I did to you was so much worse than what you did to me, and I’m so sorry Seth. I really am,” Dean said as he rubbed Seth’s shoulder.

“But I want you to get better.. I want you to move on and live out the rest of your life like we had originally planned to,” Dean said softly, making Seth’s head shoot straight up.

“What the fuck are you talking about Dean?” Seth questioned, his chocolate brown eyes staring straight into the electric blue of Dean’s. 

“I’m saying I want you to move on Seth. I know you love me, and that pain may never go away, but you have to try. You have so much life ahead of you. So many more opportunities, so many more championships to win.. you can’t just give up on that,” Dean said.

“Dean.. no.. I don’t want to live a life without you in it. Besides have you seen me? I don’t I’m ever gonna wake up from that,” Seth said, motioning to his lifeless body in the bed.

“Seth please..” Dean whispered, taking his hands in his. 

“No. I want to be with you,” Seth sniffled.

“But you’re always with me.. Even when you’re not. I’m always watching over you, always right here,” Dean gently placed a hand over Seth’s heat. “And the only person that can take me out of there is you..”

Seth didn’t know how to respond, so he did what he knew best. He cried. He cried and cried until it hurt to cry anymore. All Dean did was hold him, and whisper soft apologies into his ear. Seth didn’t mind though, as long as he got to be close to the one man that he truly loved.

“Just please do this for me Seth. I know it hurts but you just have to try.. think about Roman, all your CrossFit buddies, your dog.. Seth think about your mom. No mother wants to bury their baby, and believe me, you’re definitely her baby. I also want you to keep an eye on my mom.. She hasn’t been doing so well. Please do this for me Seth. I promise I’m not going anywhere. Someday when it’s your time, you and I.. we’ll finally get that happy ending you’ve always wanted. But for now, I want you to have the happy ending that you deserve,” Dean spoke gently as he brushed a lock of hair behind Seth’s ear.

He really didn’t want to live a life without Dean. He also couldn’t deny that it was also a very selfish decision. He still had plenty of people who were there for him and that loved him unconditionally. The only thing he managed to do was push them away in the process. The guilt had started to sink into him slowly but surely. Maybe it was time for a change after all.

“A-alright.. I’ll do it,” he whispered, lifting his head to look into Dean’s eyes.

A smile smile drifted onto his handsome features as he spoke,” I knew you’d come to your senses. Remember Seth, whenever you need me, I’m always right here.” Dean pointed to his heart once again.

Seth nodded lightly as Dean kissed his cheek softly.

“I love you.. always. Don’t forget it even for a second,” Seth whispered as he kissed Dean’s cheek in return.

“I love you too baby,” Dean whispered. “I gotta go okay? Hang in there for me..”

“W-wait no..” Seth said as Dean started to slowly fade away, a bright smile on his lips.

“Goodbye Seth,” his blue eyed angel whispered before he was completely gone into thin air. “I’ll be seeing you soon.”

 

********************************************

 

After Seth had woke in the hospital that day, he vowed to keep his promise to Dean. The first month was tough, being in the hospital had knocked him back a step, but once he was out, he was almost back to his old self.

He had started back up at the gym, losing all the weight that he had gained. He quit drinking, he cut his hair and started to take care of it again, he went the whole nine yards.

After awhile, he had even managed to get his job back at WWE. That, was where he met Finn. Now believe him, Finn was no Dean, but he was handsome to no fault. The shorter man had faded brown hair, a bit of scruff on his chin matching that on the top of his head. His baby blue eyes reminded Seth of a cloudless summer day. His smile and his accent drove Seth crazy.  
He couldn’t lie, he definitely was attracted to this man.

They had started seeing each other a few months after they met. At first it was just casual here and there, due to the fact that Seth couldn’t shake the feeling that he couldn’t do that to Dean. Each time he had to remind himself that Dean had wanted him to start over, to have the life that they were meant to have. So, he did.

Seth married Finn on a small beach in North Carolina on a summer afternoon. After being together for three years, they had finally decided to tie the knot. Their relationship hasn’t been easy, it was rather rocky at first, but Finn was patient with his lover. He understood what it was like to lose someone so close to you, which was why he was so dedicated to helping Seth fight his demons.

A year later, on their one year wedding anniversary, they adopted their first child, Elizabeth Rose Rollins - Balor. You would’ve never guessed the little girl was adopted. Her ice blue eyes resembled those of her shorter father, and her long curly brown hair resembled that of her other father. They lived happily for awhile, watching their little girl grow up before deciding to adopt another child, a boy this time. Eli James was a rowdy little two year old boy who had spent a year of his young life in the orphanage before Seth and Finn had laid their eyes on him. The men couldn’t have been happier with their little family, and with their lives.

********************************************

Seth stared down at Dean’s grave as he gently ran his fingers across the engraved lettering. It had been almost 15 years since he lost his first love. He had never gotten over Dean, but he was still happy. He was married to a very handsome Irishman, and they had two wonderful children that Seth loved with his entire being. He loved being a husband and a father. 

“15 years.. yet it still feels like yesterday that I lost you,” Seth spoke softly to the gravestone.

“I never did stop loving you.. I’ve learned to live with the pain. I’m glad you pushed me to start a new life.. now I’m married with two kids, a boy and a girl. You’d love them Dean. And I know they would’ve loved you just as much.” 

Seth gently traced the letters with his finger as he let out a breath.

“Thank you for everything Dean. I know it’s not much, but I love and miss you everyday.” 

He gently kisses the stone before standing up. He sat the small bouquet of flowers in their normal spot at the base. He slowly stood up, feeling the wind blow through his hair. He really did miss Dean. He missed him like crazy. The pain never fully went away, but he had all the support in the world now with his new family.

As he started to walk back towards his car, he looked once more over his shoulder. He may not have Dean, but he did have a pretty decent life right now, and for that, he could thank his former lover, Dean Ambrose.

Not everyone gets a second chance at life, so it’s always important to live each day like it’s your last one you’ll ever get. Keep your loved ones close, and make sure they know how loved and important they are to you. Most importantly, always be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well friends, this is the ending you’ve all been waiting for. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I’d love your feedback :) Stick around for some of my other works!


End file.
